Being an eager dreamer that is desperately wanting to grow my blog, I am so disappointed that I don’t have the mind or energy to even think about writing or making something food related for my readers for Thanksgiving, but, I do want to share something with you.
To confess, I’ve been frustrated for a few years now, feeling stuck in a place that I don’t want to be; feeling like a little thing of hay in a needle stack that stabs me everywhere; the needle stack of Providence, Rhode Island.
Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate this creative capitol, but, I always feel something is missing.
Usually I go home and I’m happy to see my family, but then I’m always ready to go back to Kevin in Providence. This past weekend I visited my family in Saratoga, and of course I missed Kevin, but I was afraid, because, for some reason, I felt like I didn’t want to leave this time; you know how terrible that sounds when you say you don’t want to go back to the place your love is? This feeling combined with being sick made me feel like my world was crumbling.
Even though I live somewhere I don’t like very much, I don’t want to leave without Kevin, so why can’t I just deal with it for at least another year? Why can’t I just be happy to have a roof over my head? Even though he works 80 hours a week as a chef, why can’t I just continue using the time alone to work on myself?
It’s so embarrassing to say, but I am always blaming my negative experiences in Providence for why I can’t just live; for my inability to trust working somewhere that I will like; for my failure of getting out. What’s wrong with me? Why do I feel like I can’t carry on, even with my suffering, like everyone else?
While I was home, my Mom had me watch a video that my brother-in-law showed her recently called The Important Places. It turned out to be everything I needed to see.
The Adirondacks are my important place. I lived in those mountains for about 11 years. They are rich with Mother nature’s gifts, and I took those for granted growing up; the rivers and lakes that cooled me, the mountains that protected me, the sky that guided me. I wanted to run to my important place after watching this video.
That night, I tried to sleep with a slight fever, and I started crying with discomfort, but it was longing that killed me more. All I could do was whisper “I miss you”.
After my tears slowed, the pain finally started to surface some light that I was needing to see. I realized something; yes, I miss this place, but, do my tears have to be of sorrow? Why cry as though I lost something? Why fear that I will not have time to visit, when that important place is always with me? I just have to open the doors in my mind, and let the beauty of the Adirondacks in.
I realized that I might be from a different place, but that fact is what should keep me alive, not broken.
Knowing that my family is going to be in mountains for Thanksgiving made it tempting to go, but, I can’t help but also feel that where I am is an important place when a certain someone is with me, so I decided to choose that one.
Rhode Island might not be where we stay forever, but moving forward, I am promising myself to stay content with where I am, and remember where I’m from; I promise to reach for the sky, but never let go of my roots.
I may be far from one very important place this holiday, but it’s never far from me <3